Ready for some cold war comics? Me either, but there is no turning back now. Welcome to, "They'll Make Anything." I am your host, Jacob and it's time to get down on Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Pt. 2

Remember the outrageous Dark Knight Returns part 1 rant I went on? Oh I was just getting started. Like I said, the first part of this series really wasn’t that bad. Part 2 on the other hand… Well, let’s just say in comparison, Nic Cage’s performance in Ghost Rider was Oscar worthy. 

He would have to sell his soul

We pick up with the news arguing about whether or not Batman is as bad as the criminals he replaced. That and the Sons of Batman giving another speech. You remember, those guys that don’t give speeches? So who is actually watching all of this nonsense? Would any sane person watch this program? The answer is no. In fact, we cut to the Arkham asylum where the Joker is watching these talk shows.

The Joker’s therapist, you remember, the grade A asshole from the first movie? He comes over to coddle the Joker. The Joker responds by manipulating the doctor into taking him onto one of these shows, so he can tell his side of things. Yeah, that seems like a good idea.

Cut away from all that intriguing stuff. We need to take a little visit to the white house. Who’s running the show? Why President Ronald Reagan of course! What’s that? But this movie was made in 2013, you say? Well, that would be bringing logic into the game. Folks, if you’re a fan of logic, you’re gonna want to turn away right about… Now.

Read my lips, I will destroy this country.

President Reagan has called in Superman and tells him to either get Bats to calm down or take him out. Superman doesn’t say no of course because, after all, he’s Reagan's bitch. Reagan asks if this can be done and Superman says, “He’s not hard to find sir.”. Really? The entire Gotham Police station can’t find Batman and Superman is like, “He’s down at the school house again. Didn’t you give him a restraining order?”

Now there’s a couple of kids trying to rob a liquor store. These kids start talking up their boss who happens to be Joker’s squeeze. Oh baby! Are we talking about Harley Quinn? Nope! Instead we are introduced to swastika titties! Swastika titties and her boys are thwarted by a bag lady that looks like she can bench press a car. Naturally the bag lady turns out to be none other than Batman himself! 

Transgenderism-1 Nazis – 0!

On the way to take out Bag Lady Batman, Superman stops to save a blind man from being run over by a subway train. By swooping him out the way? No silly, by slamming into the subway train and more than likely injuring everyone aboard. He then finds Bag Lady Batman and Swastika titties still going at it. He tells Batman they need to talk. So… The bag lady costume doesn’t fool Superman but he thinks ruffled hair and glasses does? I am very confused. Either way, Batman says, Ain’t nobody got time for that. Meet me tomorrow. And Superman runs along like a good little bitch.

While Jim Gordon is retiring… Ah… He did that at the end of part 1. Really? Are we not even paying attention to your own movie guys? Anyway, while Gordon retires, Superman shows up to Bruce’s stable dressed up as Fabio. To top that off, he’s so fucking American that a bald eagle lands on his arm. Never mind that Superman is really an illegal alien… In every sense.

Merica!!

Fabio and Bag Lady have an argument about how everyone but Fabio needs to retire. There’s some talk about how Fabio did something bad to Oliver. But Fabio has to leave because apparently world war 3 is breaking out between America and the Soviets. Present Reagan even makes one of my favorite lines, “And we have to protect our interests, I mean, Freedom.”

Batman tells Alfred to go pick up Kelly (That’s our new Robin) from school. Alfred tries to be slick and asks what if she has something better to do? Bruce just gives one hell of a creepy smile and says, “There’s nothing better.” And nothing looks as natural as a rich man’s butler picking up a little girl after school.

Remember how Joker manipulated the therapist into letting him onto the talk show? Turns out that wasn’t such a good idea. Joker kills the therapist, the talk show host and the audience before making his escape. After all, putting the joker in the same room with a ton of innocent people is always a good plan.

Whoops!

Batman does attempt to save the day but only manages to distract a shit load of a cops before tucking tail and running. Of course, it’s while Bats and the cops are playing grab ass is that the Joker is killing everyone. 

The Joker goes to visit Catwoman who thinks he’s “Bruce” at first. This means that Gordon, Superman, Selena, Alfred, Kelly-Robin and a dozen others know Batman’s secret identity. Seriously, how the hell has this man stayed one step ahead of the law? So Joker kisses Catwoman with some lipstick that makes her his bitch.

Batman later finds Catwoman dressed up like Wonder Woman with her make up running everywhere. I guess Bats is not the only creepy bastard around. Batman and Robin have to run because the police are still after them. Robin almost falls to her death but Bats pulls her up and cradles her while repeating, “Good soldier.” over and over again… The creepiness continues.

I'm kinda on the side of the cops here.

This all naturally leads to the Joker and Batman having it out at the fair. And this is where shit…gets…real. Batman pokes out one of Joker’s eyes with a batarang and Robin gets her first confirmed kill at the age of…what, 12? I’m telling you, Batman is proving to be one hell of a role model.

Joker shoots up a mirror maze but only runs out of bullets as he is about to get the kill shot on a helpless Batman. Again, how has this man survived? Joker has him pinned down under a broken mirror with a gut shot. He only lives because the clip is empty? Fucking bad guys, bring more bullets!

 Joker shoots and stabs the shit out of Batman before Batman breaks his neck and plants a firebomb. To which Joker says, “I win, I made you lose control.” And finishes snapping his own neck. Not Segal style, the Joker is so hardcore, he just twists his head and snaps it with his own neck muscles. 

"I win. I made you lost control" - Joker

Batman spits on Joker’s corpse because nothing says hero like desecrating the dead. Gotham’s finest show up after the battle and the firebomb goes off as, I guess Bats is ok with killing now? The new Commissioner says, “If it isn’t a cop, shoot it.” Keep in mind they’re at the fair. Is this Ruby Ridge 2? So Bats is shot, stabbed, bleeding all over the place, spitting on corpses and is painting a DNA map but he probably has another thing on his belt for that. The police are clearly winning but Robin comes in once again and saves the day! Damn Robin, how about you let others play hero too?

Alfred plays doctor while Reagan gives a national address. You know it’s not good when the president is dressed up in a radiation suit and appears to be in an underground bunker. He tells everyone that America won the scrimmage with Russia, but they’re sore losers. So of course a warhead is launched, Superman saves the day by taking the brunt of the explosion, Gotham gets set on fire. Nothing to see here people, move along!

That...Can't be good.

Alfred says the power is out, Robin says her watch stopped working and Batman wakes up grabbing her watch. He immediately blames Superman, gets dressed and tells Robin she’s going to learn how to ride a horse. He rides in on a horse to meet his gang and declare himself the law… Dread? Is that you?

Bat Law!

The city is under a riot because warheads = free shit yo. Batman can’t have any of this though. This is a movie where Reagan is still president and news casters are asking if a war “has started” after the Russian’s launch a warhead. Naturally Batman must swoop in to save all of the small business owners from the evil people stealing things like water and toilet paper.

Batman and Gordon force everyone to start working together under the threat of, their homes are still on fire! This is where the new commissioner decides they need to leave Batman alone. But President Reagan doesn’t think so. He tells Superman that the nuclear winter will, “Blow over” and to take care of Batman. Priorities.

Oliver shows up and offers to help Batman to stop the, “School boy”. Oliver also happen to be missing an arm. Which I guess is how Superman made him retire. But nevertheless, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is here. Batman vs. Superman 2013!

Shit just got real

It all starts with Batman launching a ton of missiles at Superman, Robin shooting him with a tank and Batman electrifying him by using his giant metal suit as a conductor. Somehow electricity doesn’t affect Batman? Back to the show, Batman and Superman beat the piss out of one another until Green Arrow shows up and shoots a kryptonite arrow at Superman. Of course they don’t show or explain how he pulled this off with one arm. Superman catches the arrow but then it explodes in his face.

Batman stands over Superman talking shit. Saying he had a ton of money and time to build the arrow and could have killed him if he wanted to. Then Batman has a heart attack… Or so it seems. Robin shows up at the grave and digs Batman up! All before Bats, Robin and Oliver go underground to train the Mutant gang to be even more dangerous?

I said get my sandwich, bitch!

While this movie was absolutely terrible, it was so outrageous I couldn't help but have a great time watching it. But really, when your movie stars Bag-lady Batman, Fabio Superman and Swastika titties in the middle of a war between Russia and Reagan, how could you go wrong?

Think Batman vs. Superman just jumped out of the comics for our viewing pleasure? Think again. DC has been at this game before. Which time are we going to explore today? The 2012 animated movie, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1.

Shockingly, this wasn’t that terrible. Hell, if it wasn’t for the obvious sequel to come, the 2013, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 2, I may not be writing this today. But I am happy to report that as a whole, they Nick Caged the fuck out of this series. 

Oh smell that Nic Cage!

The Dark Knight Returns part 1 starts off with a Bruce Wayne that is so old that Ben Stiller could have made a cameo appearance just to tell him, “You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up.”. Yet, Alfred is still around? Isn’t that bastard like half a century older than Bruce? Oh distraction, Bruce Wayne is driving a race car!

Later that night, Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Jim Gordon are having a drink together. Wait a minute! Isn’t Gordon old enough to be this geriatric’s father? Alfred and Gordon should both be long dead but I suppose Batman had something on his belt for old age because, yeah.

It becomes clear that Bruce Wayne has retired from being Batman and Gordon is about to follow in his footsteps. Of course Gordon knows that Bruce Wayne was Batman and starts asking about the little boys that Bruce used to keep tied up in the Batcave. To this, Bruce decides their conversation is over but not before making a comment about that mutant gang all over the news. Oh foreshadowing, you strike again!

The creepiness continues as Alfred walks in on Bruce in the bat cave later. What is Bruce doing? He’s standing in complete darkness, wearing only his skives and staring obsessively at the Robin costume. I would make a joke here but really, do they need my help? 

Pictures are worth a thousand words

Harvey Dent undergoes a surgery that makes his face whole again. Is Two-Face cured? Sure is, but he’s also bat shit crazy (pun intended) and believes they made both sides of his face look like grilled cheese. So Harvey Dent flips out and goes back to his old ways.

Fast forward, this leads to Batman coming out of retirement and chasing down Dent’s minions, a cliché older cop telling the rookie cop they’re in for a show, and old ass Batman beating the shit out of people with no names.

Two-Face decides he’s going to take out the Gotham Life building with 2 bombs unless he’s paid 22 million dollars in 22 minutes. Why you ask? Because he enjoys giving unrealistic demands and is in love with the number 2? But never fear, Batman arrives, throws down some smoke bombs, beats the crap out of the entire gang and even uses some of the Scarecrow’s fear toxin to make one of them practically piss himself. 

You don't even have a name!

Batman tries to capture Two-Face in his helicopter and ends up falling out of the sky with a million bullets buzzing by, but that and old age don’t stop him. Bats uses his trusty grappling hook to shake the helicopter and make Two Face Fall out with him. George of the jungle style, Bats catches Two-Face, slams through a glass window with perfect timing and beats Two-Face with his fists. Remember kids, fists beat bullets any day of the week and gravity doesn’t count.

So at this point in the film, you may be asking yourself, how is it possible to magically avoid bullets, for Two-Face to fall faster than Batman and to time swinging into a glass window instead of the building or the ground that should have been here two minutes ago? And I give you the answer, “Because I’m Batman.”

Enter a pre-teen girl. She’s kind of creepily obsessed with Robin. So much so that she dresses up like him and climbs out of her bedroom window while her parents argue. Ah, good parenting 101. So pre-teen wants to be Robin but almost breaks her neck going down the fire escape. But more on that later, actually no, there isn’t more on that later. This is the only time in either movie she actually screws up. 

Oh momma, Batman's gonna love him some new Robin!

We skip past Robin because no one really gives a shit about the sidekick anyway. There’s that gang we mentioned earlier, the Mutants. They’re out there kidnapping rich babies, getting the ransom money and then killing the babies. Because nothing says evil like killing babies.

Now that Two-Face has been dealt with, Bats decides the baby killing assholes are finally worthy of his attention. No really, a notable quote from Batman, “The Mutants, they’re next on my list but first things first.”

Throughout this entire movie is this psychologist who is a grade A asshole. Of course he has to be, he’s the doctor for both Two-Face and the Joker (Wait, spoiler alert). He’s out there spouting off about how the villains in the Batman series are really the victims and that Batman is really creating his own villains because they are weak minded. Wow Bats, why you gotta be such a dick?

Fuck Batman

Batman confronts a General who has been selling guns to the Mutant gang. Why? Because the insurance would pay for his dying wife’s treatment. Batman lays the guilt on real thick, lays a gun on the desk and says, “Nice way to end your career General.” The General naturally kills himself so Batman doesn’t have to. Hmm, maybe that psychologist is on to something?

Now that we’ve got that out the way, we can go deal with the baby killing gang. Batman shows up in a tank. He might call it the bat mobile but this thing is insanely big. Imagine driving your apartment around big. Bullets are flying out of this tank and taking bad guys out left and right! But this doesn’t scare their leader. Hell, for all intents and purposes he calls Bats a pussy for using rubber bullets and to man up and get out of the tank. So what happens next?

Billionaire, genius Bruce Wayne gets out of the tank to take on this Bane look alike in a one on one fight. I mean, it worked out so well for him last time that, why not? The gang leader proceeds to kick the ever loving shit out of Batman. He even picks him up over his head at one point and I would not have been surprised if he broke his back. 

Deja Vu

Re-Enter stalker, pre-teen, would be Robin. As Batman is about to die at the hands of Ba…Mutant gang leader, Robin shows up, claws at his eyes and pulls Batman (Who is 10 times her size) away to safety. What is Batman’s response to this? He immediately tells her his secret identity (Because, she’s a girl after all) and takes her on as the new Robin. No permission slip or anything!

Batman convinces Gordon to let the gang leader go free so he can beat him up in front of his entire baby killing gang. This results in the gang turning into the, “Sons of Batman” and fighting crime. And of course none of them are really held accountable.

"Son, this is an operating table and I'm the surgeon." - Batman

Part 1 ends with Gordon retiring and the Sons of Batman making a speech about not making speeches. This happens to get the attention of the Joker who’s apparently been in a mental hospital for quite some time. The best part about this movie? It’s not even half as outrageous as part 2!